Do you ever have that overwhelming feeling that makes you just want to cry. Not because you are sad but because you are happy and overwhelmed all at the same time. Today was one of those days for me. I went to a local coffee shop and enjoyed a nice coffee and bagel sandwich. Viento y Agua is the bomb.com for all you Long Beachians. Plugged in my laptop, which has collected lots of dust due to my Ipad2 take over, and began my FIDM application essay. I'm so excited but at the same time scared. When I graduated Cal State Fullerton in May 2010 I was stoked and ready to conquer the world even though I had no idea where my career path was headed. Now that I somewhat have a college degree in Broadcast Journalism, the career no longer interests me. I guess I could potentially get a job anywhere doing anything since most people don't even end up following their intended degree. But when I was hospitalized at City of Hope I had a lot of time to think about life. I wanted a job that I would love and enjoy. I HATE office jobs. I LOVE clothes, shopping and interacting with people. Why not combine all my loves? So I decided that my next ultimate goal is to open and run my own clothing boutique. I know the odds are against me but I honestly don't care. I never want to look back on life and wonder what if.
So as I wrote about myself in the admissions essay I got teary eyed. Looking back on the last year and a half I have been through so much. I'm not always open with my feelings and its hard for me to share personal things about myself. Hence the reason why I started this blog. Although I have been lazy on updating it. I'm just glad that I have new goals and aspirations to conquer. The past few months have been tough. I quit working in May and got on disability. The summer was nice not having to stress about work and getting to hang out and do whatever I want. But when September rolled around and everyone around me started school and work and became busy, I felt lonely and under accomplished. I was unsure of what I wanted to do and kind of felt like a failure.
But where there's a will there's a way....I am doing everything in my ability and using all my resources to go to FIDM. I will be going for merchandise marketing and business management in April if all goes according to planned.
Watch out world, here I come.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Back to the start
*post from January 23 [taken from my tumblr account]
So I guess I should start from the beginning, oh boy. It’s kinda weird to think that all of this happened 7 months ago. I guess life is never certain and when you think you are going down one path, life is like well fuck your plans homie (pardon my french). I went from walking down the aisle at my college graduation to spending a week in a hospital. To make a very VERY long story short I was diagnosed with super powers! I kid I kid. I guess the best way to describe what I have is bone marrow failure. Because my body fails to produce red blood cells, white blood cells and platelets, I have been diagnosed with PNH and Aplastic Anemia (AA).
PNH stands for this crazy long medical term, Paroxysmal nocturnal hemoglobinuria. Yeah trying say that 5 times fast. PNH is a rare disease in which my red blood cells break down earlier than normal. Aplastic anemia occurs when the bone marrow is unable to increase production to make up for the premature destruction of red blood cells.
It is estimated that there are 8,000 to 10,000 people with PNH in North America and Western Europe. And with the population of North America being 344,124,450 you can see I am just a little tiny stat. Which is probably why you have never even heard of anyone having a rare blood disease. Because lets be real, I didn’t even think my disease was real.
I’m not trying to write a depressing, wanna go slit your wrists kind of blog. I just want to be able to express myself and now that I have a rare blood disease it has become a part of who I am. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t want you to read my blog and feel sorry for me. I am a very strong willed individual and I know that one day I will be cured. But until then I know these are the cards that I’ve been dealt. And instead of being depressed about it, I’ve learned that the only way is to stay positive, eat whatever makes you happy (in moderation of course), spend as much time around people you love and remember that tomorrow is a new day :)
So I guess I should start from the beginning, oh boy. It’s kinda weird to think that all of this happened 7 months ago. I guess life is never certain and when you think you are going down one path, life is like well fuck your plans homie (pardon my french). I went from walking down the aisle at my college graduation to spending a week in a hospital. To make a very VERY long story short I was diagnosed with super powers! I kid I kid. I guess the best way to describe what I have is bone marrow failure. Because my body fails to produce red blood cells, white blood cells and platelets, I have been diagnosed with PNH and Aplastic Anemia (AA).
PNH stands for this crazy long medical term, Paroxysmal nocturnal hemoglobinuria. Yeah trying say that 5 times fast. PNH is a rare disease in which my red blood cells break down earlier than normal. Aplastic anemia occurs when the bone marrow is unable to increase production to make up for the premature destruction of red blood cells.
It is estimated that there are 8,000 to 10,000 people with PNH in North America and Western Europe. And with the population of North America being 344,124,450 you can see I am just a little tiny stat. Which is probably why you have never even heard of anyone having a rare blood disease. Because lets be real, I didn’t even think my disease was real.
I’m not trying to write a depressing, wanna go slit your wrists kind of blog. I just want to be able to express myself and now that I have a rare blood disease it has become a part of who I am. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I don’t want you to read my blog and feel sorry for me. I am a very strong willed individual and I know that one day I will be cured. But until then I know these are the cards that I’ve been dealt. And instead of being depressed about it, I’ve learned that the only way is to stay positive, eat whatever makes you happy (in moderation of course), spend as much time around people you love and remember that tomorrow is a new day :)
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
"Life is painful and messed up. It gets complicated at the worst of times, and sometimes you have no idea where to go or what to do. Lots of times people just let themselves get lost, dropping into a wide open, huge abyss. But that’s why we have to keep trying. We have to push through all that hurts us, work past all our memories that are haunting us. Sometimes the things that hurt us are the things that make us strongest. A life without experience, in my opinion, is no life at all. And that’s why I tell everyone that, even when it hurts, never stop yourself from living"
Chapter 2
*from May 4, 2010
Hmm where do I begin? This last month has been a roller coaster. Luckily I’ve been able to handle roller coasters since age 7. In the last few months I’ve lost my job, moved in with the love of my life, adopted my little monster, started a new job, got a wisdom tooth pulled, got an infection from my wisdom tooth and sent my best friend off to boot camp for the army. Now that we all caught up let’s start with the next big chapter in my life. I am currently sitting in my hospital room at city of hope. Today was the official first day of my atg-cyclosporine treatment. Seven hours of a slow dripping fluid into my picc line. Luckily I did not experience any of the side effects that are pretty scary. I did however battle with a slight fever but my tiger blood kicked it’s ass. I tend to look at the positive things in life. I’m taking this hospital stay as a nice vacation. I’ve got my own room, cable tv, wireless Internet, room service and all the people I love visiting me. Sure my disease has become a part of who I am but I don’t let it define who I am. Bad shit happens to good people and if you let it bother and eat at your soul, you will never make it out alive. So here’s to the next chapter and hopefully to more blogging to occupy my time here. Until we cyber again.
Hmm where do I begin? This last month has been a roller coaster. Luckily I’ve been able to handle roller coasters since age 7. In the last few months I’ve lost my job, moved in with the love of my life, adopted my little monster, started a new job, got a wisdom tooth pulled, got an infection from my wisdom tooth and sent my best friend off to boot camp for the army. Now that we all caught up let’s start with the next big chapter in my life. I am currently sitting in my hospital room at city of hope. Today was the official first day of my atg-cyclosporine treatment. Seven hours of a slow dripping fluid into my picc line. Luckily I did not experience any of the side effects that are pretty scary. I did however battle with a slight fever but my tiger blood kicked it’s ass. I tend to look at the positive things in life. I’m taking this hospital stay as a nice vacation. I’ve got my own room, cable tv, wireless Internet, room service and all the people I love visiting me. Sure my disease has become a part of who I am but I don’t let it define who I am. Bad shit happens to good people and if you let it bother and eat at your soul, you will never make it out alive. So here’s to the next chapter and hopefully to more blogging to occupy my time here. Until we cyber again.
Life goes on...
*post from March 10, 2011 [taken from my tumblr account]
It has been 9 months since my life took a slight curve on a dark new pathway that I still seem to be following. At first I was terrified because I could barely see in front of me. The path that lays ahead is always uncertain, always dark and unveils forks in the road at any given time. 9 months ago my fear of this path stirred up various emotions from depression to anger to anxiety and everything in between. Nowadays I have learned to embrace this crazy path. Although the current fork in the road is pretty serious business. In the next week or so I will be starting treatment to get my eggs frozen. A difficult decision because my insurance does not cover it. It’s kinda weird because a few years ago I actually thought about donating my eggs to make some extra income. But got scared because I heard the procedure hurt. I am a little nervous about getting it done, especially with complications due to my blood. But the hardest issue to deal with is motherhood. I will soon be infertile and unable to have children. A job that I have been patiently waiting to fulfill when the “time” was right. Being the oldest of 4 siblings and having always loved to be around children, I had always envisioned my future to be as a mother. I spent majority of my teenage years babysitting. When I first met Dimetrius I asked him if he wanted to have kids. I told him within the first week of dating that I wanted to have a BIG family with 4 kids and at least one of them being adopted. He probably thought I was crazy but two years later and he’s still around ha.
I guess the point of this post was to say that life goes on. I know I can’t have children now but I pray that when I’m finally cured I will be able to use my frozen eggs to start my own Olympian all star children team :) My path can sometimes be scary but its my awesome supportive family, boyfriend and friends that hold my hand through all the bumps and rough patches. Without them I don’t know what I would do.
Until we cyber again…
It has been 9 months since my life took a slight curve on a dark new pathway that I still seem to be following. At first I was terrified because I could barely see in front of me. The path that lays ahead is always uncertain, always dark and unveils forks in the road at any given time. 9 months ago my fear of this path stirred up various emotions from depression to anger to anxiety and everything in between. Nowadays I have learned to embrace this crazy path. Although the current fork in the road is pretty serious business. In the next week or so I will be starting treatment to get my eggs frozen. A difficult decision because my insurance does not cover it. It’s kinda weird because a few years ago I actually thought about donating my eggs to make some extra income. But got scared because I heard the procedure hurt. I am a little nervous about getting it done, especially with complications due to my blood. But the hardest issue to deal with is motherhood. I will soon be infertile and unable to have children. A job that I have been patiently waiting to fulfill when the “time” was right. Being the oldest of 4 siblings and having always loved to be around children, I had always envisioned my future to be as a mother. I spent majority of my teenage years babysitting. When I first met Dimetrius I asked him if he wanted to have kids. I told him within the first week of dating that I wanted to have a BIG family with 4 kids and at least one of them being adopted. He probably thought I was crazy but two years later and he’s still around ha.
I guess the point of this post was to say that life goes on. I know I can’t have children now but I pray that when I’m finally cured I will be able to use my frozen eggs to start my own Olympian all star children team :) My path can sometimes be scary but its my awesome supportive family, boyfriend and friends that hold my hand through all the bumps and rough patches. Without them I don’t know what I would do.
Until we cyber again…
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