Even Big Girls Cry Sometimes

Life always has a way of sending you curve balls. I admit I have been horrible at keeping up with my blog. A part of me wants to remain private while another part of me wants to have a platform to share my experiences with others. Also, with the internet being so accessible, a part of me wonders if my blog is actually keeping me from potentially getting hired at new jobs. My doctor advised me to write "anonymously" but I want people to see who I am because I am just like everyone else. And with this disease being so rare and uncertain I want people to know it can happen to anyone.

you + me = us (I know my calculus)

With that being said, today was not the best of days. I try my best to stay positive and deal with my disease day to day. But when you get diagnosed with a life threatening disease, there will always be doubts and insecurities. My first insecurity developed when I began bruising spontaneously from severely low platelets. At one point my legs were completely covered in bruises and stayed for months. Thank god for the maxi dress/skirt trend. When I started my cyclosporine pills, my platelets rose tremendously and my bruises began to fade but I couldn't be exposed to sunlight while on the medication. And that's when I became a Vampire. I avoided my favorite past time of being a beach bum. After 14 months of vitamin D deprivation, I stopped taking cyclosporine and rekindled my love affair with the sunlight. 

I was beyond ecstatic when I found out I could stop taking my pills. A part of me felt like I was slowly becoming normal again. Like my old self before getting sick. But like everything in life, its always uncertain. I had my bi-weekly doctor appointment today and found out my platelet count went from 115,000 to 50,000. Which means bad news for me. For those that know me, I rarely cry in front of people. It makes me uncomfortable watching someone cry so I try to hold it in. Today when Dr. Phan told me the news that I had to go back on cyclosporine, I cried my eyes out. Sometimes life isn't fair and you have to learn to roll with the punches. I have been doing some research and decided to try out some natural remedies to help increase my platelets before I decide to go back on medication. And the one thing I've learned is that you have to be pro-active in your health. Even if you feel like you have the best doctor in the world, always get a second opinion and do your research.

"Crying doesn't indicate that you're weak. Since birth, it has always been a sign that you're alive."